20th
Another day#101…
I’ve struggled a while and sometimes think that my announcements of impending recovery are best left until I am a week into some improved eating exercise.
However I’m gonna have one more go at it this way round.
I’ve had a good day today. One tin of tuna and then a steak and potatoes and coleslaw meal. I’ve swum for fifteen minutes and generally feel positive.
The meditation classes have helped and along with some therapy I’ve been having I’ve started to see more of what makes me tick. Thanks to an archaic organisation I believed I had a problem (an illness even) that was related to my consumption of alcohol and that as a result of their treatment I was now better and as long as I kept with them all would be well. I no longer believe that to be true. When you get a misdiagnosis of the problem the treatment can only be successful by luck. In my case it didn’t work and I transferred my problem from pillar to post.
I now believe that my problem is and has always been anxiety. I’ve been misdiagnosed as an alcoholic, a depressive and a lazy good for nothing so and so. I’m convinced that my depressive episodes are a direct result of poor strategies that I use to deal with anxiety. My abysmal relationship with alcohol in the past as well.
I’m hoping that the longer I am able to practice meditation and in particular the mindfulness exercises that bring attention to emotions, pain and thoughts I will be able to head off my unskilful responses at the pass. No more excessive drinking, smoking, overeating, isolating, world record sleeping and general behaviour and responses that diminish rather than enhance my life chances.
This fresh start is gonna be one backward in terms of its ambition. A week of eating well and swimming when I can. If I can fit in a daily meditation all to the good.
So… the tale of the tape once more. Not a pretty sight.
